Saturday, April 3, 2010

Man sharing for Fools or Realists?

One man having multiple women is called many names. Cheating, Polygamy, Man sharing, Divine Marriage, Plural Marriage and some bad names I refuse to print. I want to explore whether, in 2010, there might be a way for men and women to form positive partnerships that are mutually beneficial to a male and multiple female partners. There is already sufficient drama in our relationships and looking around, I see large numbers of children being raised in homes with little or no consistent positive male interaction. Is it reasonable to consider men having multiple partners in a relationship where each knows their status in each other's lives as a possible solution to the chaos we are currently witnessing.

I first became aware of the fact that some men have more than one wife in the 1970's when I was in my early 20's. Do not start guessing my age, but I do consider myself a fine-tuned vintage model. I've covered some mileage but I follow my Maker's manual and I'm in nearly mint condition! I digress, back then I considered myself an African Nationalist, you can look that up, but in brief, I believed strongly that for African Americans to achieve better status in the United States we should be more closely aligned with Mother Africa.

Then, as now, for Black women, the viable options for a committed life partner of the opposite sex were limited. Lets deal with that. During a quick Google search, I found that the 2002 statistic for prison inmates in the U.S was well over 2 million. Further, 10.4% of the entire African-American male population in the United States aged 25 to 29 was incarcerated, by far the largest racial or ethnic group—by comparison, 2.4% of Hispanic men and 1.2% of white men in that same age group were incarcerated. Once a man has been in jail (has papers on him) do you know how unlikely it is for him to secure a "good job"?

In the 70's, 40 years ago, Haki R. Madhabuti, distinguished educator, author, publisher and founder of Third World Press, convened a forum to discuss and air views in the Nationalist community on 'Man sharing.' Everything goes in circles and so now 40 years later; this unresolved topic rises again to the top of the heap. I saw a recent forum on Black Love convened by a concerned sister and the topic was 'Man sharing' yet again. I have learned that when life tosses you a lesson and you cannot resolve it, it comes back to you. It is almost as if the Universe is saying, "Are yawl ready to deal with this now?"

I notice that, perhaps because so many men are being locked away together, there are increasing numbers of men who are same gender loving. In addition, large numbers of men are being killed in street violence or in the military, not to mention men who are just mentally unstable, pedophiles, rapists, or just hopelessly emotionally broken. Seriously, what are women to do?

Years ago, I joined one of the many Black Hebrew Israelite groups in the United States and migrated with them to West Africa. The group practiced Divine Marriage. Divine Marriage allowed for, but did not specifically require, a man to have more than one wife. Our guidelines required that the man be responsible in all the ways that he was responsible to his first wife, to additional wives and all the children. The intention was to infuse order and balance into the relationship.

An observation made recently by a long-time resident of Liberia was that having more than one wife is an African solution to a problem of having more women than eligible men. He understood from living in the mountains of Voinjama (Liberia) among the Mandingo that if you have more women then men in a tribe you want the women of your culture to increase your tribal numbers and to retain your culture rather than dilute it by marrying outside your tribe. Survival of the group is the issue. A man of stature gained respect by taking up the slack and marrying more than one woman. I've lived in situations where men have multiple wives and I've seen relationships run the spectrum from good to terrible, much like relationships between couples practicing monogamy.

As I witness some of the more recent scenarios play out in my community between men and their multiple women, the perception and the practice of relating to one another seems mainly negative. There is a lot of "baby mama drama" and women fighting other women over the attentions of a male, and men shirking their responsibility for their offspring. How can that damage be repaired for the good of the community?

Do we challenge the notion that it's wrong for a woman to pursue another woman's man, even when the chances for her having her own man are not in her favor? Should women feel bad for forming relationships with men already in other relationships? Is there a way to manage these relationships positively and productively? These are questions.

Women who feel they are safely in a relationship look outside at their sisters and say, "Get your own man and leave mine alone." However, when I speak to men, even those that claim to be in a good relationship, few can honestly say they have never had an extramarital relationship. Among Black women, our reality is, there is not a 1 to 1 ration of hetero Black men to hetero Black women. So how does a Yin balance her Yang?

I speak from the experience of a Black woman, but could my scenario fit women of other cultures. I’m not sure, but I don't think so.
At any rate, I was turning this topic around in my head. Has anybody else? I open the conversation.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

This is about as realistic as your staying waaaaaaaaaay past the expiration date on your "sojourn" in Liberia, where you and your children almost got slaughtered. FOOLISH. We/you/I...all of us spend too much time discussing BS when our communities are dying. Having a man in the home isn't necessarily the answer, you poor misguided soul...yep, I said that. Like this is the 21st century and you're stuck in discussing man-sharing?

Like the cotton pickers in my family - illiterate, uneducated whiskey drinkers and everything else that most middle class people disdain...they were on point when they sang..."too much woman for one man and not enough for two." Perhaps we should appreciate the folk knowledge that is closer to home. But, no, we have to continent hop and then end up where? Right back to square one...with processed hair wearing a western suit and employed at the U of C...oooohhwweeee...the beast. The Albee quote in your book, hmmm prescient.

Nah...sis not me me and not one of the sisters that I hang with go for the man-sharing thing...eww..it even sounds ugly. And by the way, it didn't work for any of the Hebrew Israelites - Hmmm...Isarel LIGHT...that I know. Where are they? What have they accomplished? Nada..and poor Haki lost his way so long ago he ain't even relevant any more. He sold/souled out by pimping for his family and NOT living up to the nationalist ideals he oppressed us with back in the day.

Poor Gwen Brooks must be spinning in her grave. Increase the man shortage? Eat healthily. Raise better kids. Educate them. Maintain a wholesome household whether its mother-filled on not...I could go on. But now I'm bored with such a ridiculous waste of time...I cold have learned several words and written on my thesis...dang! Snagged by BS again.

Anonymous said...

To Ms/Mr. anonymous....What Susan speaks of is realist,whether u have time ro realize this or NOT most women share men consciously on conscious.....AND GUESS WHAT SWEETIE U JUST MIGHT BE ONE OF THE UNCONSCIOUS ONES....SO SAD,I FEEL SORRY THAT U HAVE SUCH A SMALL CLOSED MIND:((((

Curtis Murphy said...

To The Coward "Anonymous" you have adaptability issues. Even before I finished reading this "Man Sharing"Article Sharazad Ali came to mine. You know the author of The Black Man's guide to Understanding the Black Woman,I said she gonna recieved much hate mail like this coward above sent. After I finished the article and read the Anonymous's comment I knew I was right.

In your bible it say don't cast your pearls before swine well Anonymous is swine. From her bitter and seemly hateful spirit this cowardly woman don't have a man that love her. She might have a man around but you can bet he has a woman with a kinder, gentler spirit on the side. She the type a man has to tell lies to her to keep her from having a mental break down. Coward let me say this to you every negative thing you can say about Africa happens to a larger extent in the United Snakes of America "FOOL". Since you think you're intelligent compare the number of Black people slaughtered at the hands of your masters, them white devils you idolize, and the numbers killed in Africa by the instruments(weapons) made in America. Its people like you that that corroborate with the enemy of Africa and her people that is our problem. Its the problem we had 400years ago and its the problem we have today. Its COWARDS like you.

Ariellah said...

Yah/God is Love!!!

Dear "Anonymous"
Are you saying that if, and when you meet a "real man", one that you connect and communicate with just right, and that you want to be a part of your life because he seems perfect for you and your needs and, he is interested in you becoming a part of his life, but the only problem to you is that he has a wife (which is a good sister and agreeable to you being in the family)that you would deny yourself this opportunity to have a "real man"? I don't think so!
You are/or will be sharing a man whether you want to or not...wouldn't you rather know who the partners in the relationship are?

I have been married 41 years and have been in a marriage with two other sister-wives for the past thirty years and we are all good friends....whe have lived together in the same home for years and presently we are living in separate homes and we are still a united family..We have had our ups and downs, disagreements, and growing pains, but I can honestly say that we love one another in a healthy, "Divine" way..We support each other in all of our endeavors our children are "our children", I was not blessed to bear children via my birth canal, but the five children born to my first sister could no more be mine if I had conceived and birthed them myself.

I am not saying that the road during these 30 plus years have all been paved, but whenever we came/come upon a bumpy road with stumbling blocks , we removed the stumbling blocks and paved the road together and afterwards were able to walk with ease upon roads with stumbling blocks. I believe that the necessary energy that you need for a successful marriage is, Spiritual Maturity and the Love Energy, That is the Energy of God!

May You Be Blessed to Know
Unconditional Love.

Ariellah eshet Yeshiyah
Liberia 1979-80
Israel 1980-present

PS:
Just in case you want to know why we are living in separate dwellings,one reason is that each woman has her own particular flavor and scent to bring, expressing her particular creativity and taste...also we are family of artist, musicans, dance teachers and choreographers, english teachers and writers,theatrical performers, midwive, alternative healer and more...and we needed the extra space...each home is still "our household"

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